Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Last night I set my laptop charger on fire. No, not in a fit of pyromania- I wouldn't have used my laptop for that, too expensive, durr- but as the result of 6 months of neglect towards the poor thing. Probably should have done something when the wires began showing through the battery. Oh well.

Now I'm on my parent's home computer. It's a goddamn Gateway. Really that's all I need to say.


Nah who the fuck am I kidding, I'm totally gonna complain about this piece of crap. It's slow. It's old. It's ugly. It does nothing for society except to serve as a last defense against the tragic loss of internet access that would otherwise be my fate.

To bleed off some of my frustration, here are ten things I wish I could do to this big box of shit. Maybe you will find yourself inspired. Let me know if you do- I want pictures.

Without further ado...

1. Turn the monitor into a fish tank. A very small, very ugly fish tank.
3. This one is a multi-parter. First, find an enclosed box or desk and drill a hole in the top big enough to fit a bowling ball (failing a desk, you may use a table with a cunningly positioned table cloth to get a similar effect). Next, hollow out your computer monitor and put it over the hole. Place yourself inside the enclosed object and stick your head into the computer. Now comes the fun part. When your roomate/boyfriend/mom comes down into your basement apartment to ask for rent money (again) say solemnly, "Na-ah-ah, You didn't say the magic word!"*  Repeat this until they run away screaming.
4. Take it into an empty field and beat it with a baseball bat until it stops moving, ala Office Space.
5. Kick it in the face, then SET IT ON FIRE. AGAIN.
6. Take the tower up to the top of a very tall building. Wait for either a) an enemy or b) an ugly person to walk underneath. Drop it.
7. Doorstop.
8. Keep it set up as though it works, then hide your pot/booze/secret missile codes inside.
9. Dump it on Bill Gate's front lawn, while screaming "YOU DID THIS, YOU BASTARD."
10. Turn it into a toilet.

Again, feel free to borrow- but I want pictures. Unless you chose #10, in which case keep it to yourself.

*Note: This may be replaced with either "Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?" or "You will be deleted!", depending on your particular brand of nerd-dom.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Kids Say the Darndest Things

While cleaning my room the other day, I found an old journal from 5th grade. That was the year I had Mr. Folk, the famous teacher with one fake ear (but was it the right? Or the left? He would never say; I suppose I'll never know). I started flipping through this thing, and I came to one conclusion:

I was a weird little kid.

I thought you might find some of this amusing. So, of course, I'm putting it on my blog. With illustrations. I even left in all the bad grammar and spelling mistakes, because hey- shits funny. You're welcome.

Hopefully you'll be as amused as I was to read them. If not, well I don't really care. Have fun!

#1: Snow, or What the Hell Was I On?

I was very suprised when it snowed on the first day of spring luckily, it didn't stick. It was snowing the size of footballs! Snowing cats and dogs! Pancakes! Giants!...It was a miracle! ...I'm telling you, its this El Nino thing. The guys a complete loony! I don't think there's a loony bin in this side of the GALAXY big enough to hold his nuttiness. The guy must have had a brain transplant were you give away your brain but don't get a replacement!

An Artist's Rendering.

#2: I Was an Anxious Child

yesterday, I went to Mc.D. I had heard that they have Furby's at their stores. I was quite pleased. But then I had a thought; WHAt if they didn't have them? I was soon to find out....
When we got there the drive through was too crowded so we went inside. The lines were relatively long, but withstandable. The question still remained; Did they have them?

Finally it was our turn. we ordered. I was all tense. Then, to my great releif, i saw the man put in the Furby! i was all excited. The Furby was white with brown spots it has pink and brown ears. I makes a gurgling noise. 

#3: Adventures with Proper Nouns

Date Unknown
The Other day I was over at Emilys house with Kristena. We were going outside to play crocay. When we opened the door we heard a wierd sound like this, "Eeeeooooeee." I peaked my head outside the door and in the Bushes was a racoon! We got really excited and ran to tell Emilys dad. He chased it away. I was really excited! 
Later on, When I got home I toll my dad. He said that the racoon must have rabies. I got very nervous.