This Just In: Weather.com Continues to be Full of Crap

Reason #1: In addition to being consistently inaccurate about the weather they have now added this obnoxious pop up feature that you have to click on in order to see the hourly weather forecast. Every. Damn. Time.

No, weather.com, I do not want to save my goddamn location.

I also don't need more reasons to hate you.

Reason #2: They are so goddamn smug that they have upgraded their weather graphics. I feel that 'graphics' is the kind of pretentious terminology the picture below requires.

Is the 3D globe really necessary? The epic view of the night sky behind the planet? No. Weather.com, you tell the weather. Hell, you can't even do that right. You're not that important. Get over yourself.

SIGNIFICANT AND WIDESPREAD SEVERE DANGEROUS CALAMITIES INVOLVING VOLCANOES, TSUNAMIS, FIRE RAIN, AND STRONG WINDS POSSIBLE 

Reason #3: Stop trying to be sexy by packing your banner ads with as many scary words as possible and misusing sensationalist terms such as "outbreak." H1N1 was an outbreak. SARS was an outbreak. Muffin-tops *shudder* are an outbreak. Higher temperatures and theoretical tornadoes do not qualify.

I know you're struggling to bring excitement back into our relationship, but this is just sad. This weather hype will inevitably make you look foolish. What are you going to do when 'outbreak' stops getting people's attention? How many new ways can you come up with to keep people interested?

You can get as much plastic surgery as you want. I still won't love you. 

I made some f*ing ART

 

D I hope you appreciate this. It's a work of art. ART. 

 

Oh, Japan.

Let's play a game! It's called...
                          Is 
                            It
                             Appropriate!

Today's image brought to you by Japan.

If you answered no, congratulations! You won't be going to jail today.
If yes, then you may soon have some internet fame of your own.

Is that your doorbell ringing?

The above screen shot is from a Japanese toilet training video. You are looking at Daddy Tiger wiping Baby Tiger's butt after he successfully poops. While Baby Tiger spreads 'em up against a wall.
...
Good job, Baby Tiger! What was the noise you make when you poop again?

 

Technically, that should be translated as "Unnpa-pa."

4 years of Japanese at the college level and I'm reduced to correcting toilet video translations. My mom would be so proud.


Next time on "Is It Appropriate?" we'll look at the debate over funding religious schools with government money.

...Nah, I'm just kidding. Probably it will be another poop joke.

Free Baby Day

When I saw this on my facebook I could have sworn it read "Free Baby Day."

 It is in fact an ad for a "Free Day Bag." Apparently I'm dyslexic.

ALSO VERY DISAPPOINTED.

Laser Eyes: The Key to Future Presidential Campaigns?

Yesterday I had the great pleasure of going to a performance put on by my school's Electronic Music Ensemble. In one overly-used word? Awesome. I've never seen an iPad played onstage, much less one with a sweet guitar strap. Or three keyboards played at one time (was it four? two? Hard to tell). Plus a neon lights show that should have turned our concert hall into a rave.

My favorite part of the concert, however, was their incredible advertising.

Is that Richmond burning in the background?

You're not hallucinating. That's a picture of Robert E. Lee with laser eyes. 

I know that good ol' Lee was never president of anything (except my college), but he looks like a presidential candidate in this picture. Look at that noble bearing! The confident yet dignified set to his chin as he peers into your soul and literally sets it on fire. There is no way that he would lose with a laser based campaign platform. Abject terror is an excellent vote-garnering tactic.

And that's how the Patriot Act was born!

Now, imagine what would happen if presidential candidates today had laser eyes. John McCain might have beaten Obama if he'd been able to melt Osama Bin Laden's face. With such a president America would officially become the scariest country in the world, thus winning the war on terror. This would also solve the debate over economic sanctions (Effective? Not effective? We all have an opinion, and none is as poorly researched as mine). Just get rid of them all together. I can think of no better international deterrent than this:

"Remember the words of Chairman Mao: 'It's always darkest before I turn on my laser eyes."

I think I'm onto something here. As 2012 candidates begin campaigning, they should reconsider their tactics. The next election will depend not on how much money you spend on the campaign trail but rather how much you can throw at R&D to get some bitchin' cyborg modifications.

*Amendments

*My roommate just reminded me that the weather's been nuts in the rest of the world as well. You know, the Christchurch earthquake in New Zealand, Tsunami/Earthquake/radiation in Japan, bizarre tornado warnings in California...

** Just checked my friend Kimber's blog, and she had a similar entry for Florida. Check it out! Kimbersgreatadventure.blogspot.com



Sometimes I hate being right.



                

Good God I'm Writing About the Weather.

 Today, my friends, may be the beginning of the End of Days.

                                          See what I did there?

The day started out sunny, then quickly switched to grey and rainy. Then back to sunny- while still raining.
Later, hail. Then sun. Then sun AND hail, and rain, and- you get the idea.

Hmm, I thought to myself. Erratic, violent weather? Sounds familiar. Wonder how all the first born males are doing. They have been having problems in Egypt...

Lookin' good, Jesus.

The clincher was the Jehovah's witness pamphlet left on our door inviting us to "celebrate the anniversary of Jesus' death." It came with a large picture of Jesus on the back, painted with lovely, nonthreatening pastels. Just like hospital walls.

Jesus, by the way, got a pretty impressive haircut.

As I write this it is hailing once again. Actually I thought it was rain- pouring rain. However, stepping outside further investigation proves the rain to be tiny balls of ice. I'll let you know when the hail turns to fire and locusts start invading my house. We have had quite the infestation of ants lately. Are ants the locusts of modern America? Do we even have locusts in America?
Are there answers to these questions? Will I look them up? Will this paragraph ever end?
 
According to Weather.com it's supposed to be partly sunny today with 0% chance of precipitation. Haha, Weather.com! You got me with your April Fools joke.

Oh, wait. It's April 2nd.

I have lost faith in you, Weather.com. You provided me with false information one too many times. From now on I'm making my own weather reports.

AND RAINBOWS.