Monday, April 4, 2011

Laser Eyes: The Key to Future Presidential Campaigns?

Yesterday I had the great pleasure of going to a performance put on by my school's Electronic Music Ensemble. In one overly-used word? Awesome. I've never seen an iPad played onstage, much less one with a sweet guitar strap. Or three keyboards played at one time (was it four? two? Hard to tell). Plus a neon lights show that should have turned our concert hall into a rave.

My favorite part of the concert, however, was their incredible advertising.

Is that Richmond burning in the background?
You're not hallucinating. That's a picture of Robert E. Lee with laser eyes. 

I know that good ol' Lee was never president of anything (except my college), but he looks like a presidential candidate in this picture. Look at that noble bearing! The confident yet dignified set to his chin as he peers into your soul and literally sets it on fire. There is no way that he would lose with a laser based campaign platform. Abject terror is an excellent vote-garnering tactic.

And that's how the Patriot Act was born!
Now, imagine what would happen if presidential candidates today had laser eyes. John McCain might have beaten Obama if he'd been able to melt Osama Bin Laden's face. With such a president America would officially become the scariest country in the world, thus winning the war on terror. This would also solve the debate over economic sanctions (Effective? Not effective? We all have an opinion, and none is as poorly researched as mine). Just get rid of them all together. I can think of no better international deterrent than this:

"Remember the words of Chairman Mao: 'It's always darkest before I turn on my laser eyes."
I think I'm onto something here. As 2012 candidates begin campaigning, they should reconsider their tactics. The next election will depend not on how much money you spend on the campaign trail but rather how much you can throw at R&D to get some bitchin' cyborg modifications.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. This is freakin' hilarious.

  3. Thank you, ma'am. Also kudos on posting the first/only comment on my blog.