Friday, April 15, 2011

The Most Dangerous Game

The most dangerous game is not man. It's something far more insidious.

Second only to pretentious literary references.
"But that's clearly a picture of a deer," you might be thinking.

And you clearly don't understand the danger you're in.

These fluffy tailed little bastards have been raised upon the Disney altar and worshipped as gods from the cutsie-wootsie animal pantheon. Deer, in large part thanks to Bambi, bring to mind innocence and joy. However, like most of the things you believed as a child, this is a lie.

Hate to break it to you.

What we don't realize when we tell our kids that deer are sweet and innocent is that by doing so we create victims out of our children. Victims- of suicide terrorists.

That's a picture of the fauna extremist that is going to jump in front of your car and cause you to crash. Like most extremists, deer don't care if they live or die. They only want to take you with them. Ambushing you in the dark is their weapon of choice.

These jihadist little bastards also have much better cover than your average terrorist. At the very least we're paranoid enough about the modern terrorist to have free titty shows body scans at airports and intimidating Homeland security everywhere they can make commuting inconvenient. 

Deer, on the other hand? You can't spot a terrorist if you've trained an entire generation to find them cute. Imagine if that had been Osama Bin Laden instead of Bambi. If you'd grown up with a stuffed animal of ol' Osama and watched him frolic around with adorable woodland creatures you might have had a harder time believing him capable of atrocities (on a side note, this is just more evidence to support the 'terrorists are dumb as shit' theory. Poor marketing choice, Osama. We're going to blow you up now).

Deer are excellent terrorists precisely because you would never suspect them. They draw sympathy during hunting season from idiots who don't realize that our greatest enemy is breeding unchecked in our very backyards. And though we would never let our children touch one in the wild, we do keep them in zoos for our kids to pet. They are petting terrorists. 

This is America. We don't negotiate.

This is a public service announcement. People, warn your children of the danger of deer. Combat the deadly ignorance of the next generation by explaining exactly why Bambi's mother got shot. Hint: it's not because of hunting season.

1 comment:

  1. Did you almost hit a deer or something? Also - the true peril of deer is the fucking twisty, dark as fuck roads that wind through creepy ass forests. And even with your brights on you can only see about two feet in front of you. And in the shadows, lurking in their protected forest preserves, are deers, and squirrels and other animals. But no moose, thank fuck, because this isn't Canada. Or Wisconsin.